Wedding Wednesday - Bachelorette Shennanigans, Part 2

Well, hello, everyone, it's Wednesday! And you know what that means...it's Wedding Wednesday!

To recap...I FAILed in the blog department during the duration of our wedding planning process and missed out on telling you all about some of the adventures that led up to the big day. Previously, I took you back to a cold, blustery weekend in January, and told you all about what is probably the coolest, prettiest, most surprise-packed bridal shower I've ever seen, followed by bachelorette-style shennanigans that involved a limo, 80s rock-ballad kareoki, and entire flashdrive of missing photos.

This week...Bachelorette Shennanigans, Part Deux.

I have some amazing girlfriends. Girlfriends that decided, apparently, that one bachelorette party was not quite enough. I understood the logic - my closest girlfriends were clustered at opposite ends of the country - but I still can't believe that I have the kind of friends that would throw me one - no, two - bachelorette parties.

Bachelorette Party #2 was held in SoFL, about three weeks prior to the wedding. I had spent the entire week before in Austria on a research trip, and had come back from Europe with pink eye (I didn't know adults can get pinkeye, ooooooooooh but they can), a raging sinus infection, and a nasty case of jetlag. The night of the bachelorette was the first evening in over two weeks that I felt somewhat normal, but I still wasn't exactly in tip-top shape.



All I was told was what to wear and where to have Mike drop me off (E's house). When I arrived, I was met with the most delicious spread of food I had seen in weeks...

Veggies, chips & dip, pesto bruschetta, and my mom's recipe cheddar sausage balls...

Pizza dip and spinach artichoke dip...

Oh. The obligatory penis cake. Awesome.

Thankfully, the girls remembered my sudden onset of penis-related embarrassment and self-consciousness that had reared it's head at my last bachelorette, so the cake was the limit to my penis-related adventures that evening.

No one told me the cake was red velvet. Hence my totally mortified face when I cut into the sucker and it looks like it's bleeding...

After crowning me with my tiara for the evening...

I'M ON A BOAT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

...we were walking down the sidewalk to check out Tarpon Bend when someone called out to us from across the street and offered us free drinks. Turns out someone had bought Porterhouse and converted it into a new bar (which name escapes me). He'd give me free drinks, and the rest of the girls two-for-one pricing. Can't beat that.

This was right after the bartender told me he'd be back with two doubles for me. TWO.

You ask me to pose with a captains hat on and this is what you get.

The party - Katy, E, Blondie and Paola

We had a few drinks (well, they had two...that bartender handed me, like, five), then decided to head down to the salsa bar. It is- well, it was - this little hole-in-the-wall joint where they play lots of salsa music and serve $2 jello shots all night long. We got in and realized that were no longer a little hole-in-the-wall - in fact, they had bought out the club next door, demoed the dividing wall, and had a big open dance floor on the other side of the bar.

"You. Get out here. Now. Beotch."

I tried explaining to her that my equillibrium was totally off due to booze and overloads of Claritin, but no luck.

"See! I told you my equillibrium was off!"

We have a few more drinks, someone starts up a fog machine, and we salsa until our heels hurt.

"I'M ON A BOAT!"

After some dancing, we decide to head down to my favorite local bar, America's Backyard. America's Backyard is a nightclub that was converted from an old downtown hotel and is built to look like a giant patio-enclosed backyard party. They play a good mix of everything, have tons of room to dance, and drinks on the cheap.

This guy is situated at the entrance to the club. I take a picture with it nearly every time we go in. The hat only made it infinitely more hilarious this time around.

Test tube shots? Don't mind if I do...

So, I had mentioned earlier that the girls were incredibly sweet and did not plaster me in penis apparel for our evening out. However, that did not mean I was entirely off the hook in terms of bachelorette-related embarrassment. I was harnessed with a necklace resembling a party pass that held a task list for me that night. Everything from getting a guy's number to giving a guy a lap dance. Some of them (namely the lap dance) I obviously refused to do on principle (and fear of keeling over in Claritin-induced haze), but the girls got me to accomplish a few. And then the DJ played "I'm On a Boat" and all hell broke loose.

Yeah, see this guy? This was supposed to be my "dance with a random guy" on my checklist. Turns out he was a total creeper and kept trying to talk me into going around the corner with him. He was seriously one more comment away from a roundhouse to the nuts before the girls caught my "ZOMGWTFBBQ" vibes and yanked me away.

This guy, on the other hand, was a total sweetie. I was mortified, he thought the whole thing was hilarious. He grabbed my badge and proceeded to check off, like four for me. His girlfriend was there and was totally awesome about the whole thing.

My beautiful bach party hostesses...

Quite possibly the most hilarious shot list of all time...

By 1am, I was done. Like, sit down on the curb, so tired I can't see straight (yes, tired), ready to go home. I was drunk on top of it, which made the urge to crawl into bed and sleep for 15 hours straight unbearably appealing.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm so done.

The duration of the evening, I honestly don't remember. From what I've been told, I drunk dialed K to tell her that my second bachelorette party was awesome, but she should have been there. I then drunk dialed Jeanette and talked to her for the duration of the ride home. About what, I have no idea, but I assume it somehow involved chupacabras. Don't ask.

All I do know is that I woke up the next morning afternoon to the dog licking me in the face and a barstamp on my forehead from the fact that I fell asleep on my hand. Yep, total class act right here.

Next week...putting together all the pieces (and trying not to lose my mind in the process).

Intro image courtesy of Claudia Oliver Photography